I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
