You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
