I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
