I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
