the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize