The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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