Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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