She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver