Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
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bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.