why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You've changed since you got that strap on
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.