I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
