you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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