You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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