One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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