Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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