I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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