its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In other news, I just burned my penis
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
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