his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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