I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
