I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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