We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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