About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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