she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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