dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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