Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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