tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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