My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
