I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.