hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
