can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Randomize
