All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
