I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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