The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life