I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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