How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
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I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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