my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
