There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
