Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You need a sexual gate keeper
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
