well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
