If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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