so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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