if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
