Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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