it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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