You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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