new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
