My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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