I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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