We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
