sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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