saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
