Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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