Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
