A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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