you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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