After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
