So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There's always time for handjobs
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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