I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
