If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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